Slow Love

Wearing: Dress from Zara - Shirt from Bershka

I’m not denying the power of being in an amazing relationship. It can be transformative, and the benefits are immense. But before you can enjoy those benefits, you need to be in the right place internally. Unfortunately, this sometimes takes work.

I know better than anyone what this is like. During my chronically single years all I could think about was how badly I wanted to be in a relationship. I focused on my wanting, on the lack of decent, available men, on how hard it is to date in New York City, on how unfair the whole thing is … but not so much on whether I was even ready to be in a real relationship. And for most of that time, the answer was no. It took a few years and many epiphanies before I got to the right place internally and sorted through what needed sorting.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Happiness comes from within, not from men.

è happiness isn’t something you get from a relationship—it’s something you bring into your relationship.

è even if that Prince Charming does happen upon you, the relationship will get off to a troubled start.

You keep finding yourself in the same situations over and over again.

Usually, we end up repeating the same relationship scenarios to heal some sort of wound left behind from an ex or even a parent. The subconscious is always looking for ways to mend itself, even if that means leading you into unhealthy situations.

In life, we will all face a fair share of pain and disappointment. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to use these disappointments as fuel to become even better. Until you do, you will stay stuck exactly where you are.

è You can’t live a satisfying life behind a wall, as comforting as a wall can be. In relationships, like typically attracts like. If you are emotionally unavailable, you may unconsciously seek out guys who are emotionally available. There is a safety in this because the relationship is doomed before it begins and you can continue to live life behind your wall.

Not ready for a relationship is easy said but usually means:

You want to do something in partnership with someone, you want to be a father or a mother, the idea of family is close to your heart, but you’re just not entirely sure what the problem is.

You don’t have to have every little detail worked out, because no one has that. But if you are unsure of who you are, if you are unsure of your calling, your giftings, your talents, your interest, what really makes you tick, then you might bring this feeling of uncertainty and unreadiness with you when considering love.

A lot of people say this sentence ‘Not ready for a relationship’ when they have a lot of their own things going on. They are really into their career, or increasing their volunteerism, or doing a lot of travelling. All well and good.

It’s good to enjoy your singleness and make the most of it.

But when its time comes, there will need to be a shift in priorities. And your goals, interests, and desires cannot remain first place. They need to be considered with the goal of relationship.

Imagine if you are looking to buy a house. You wouldn’t look at just any house, you would be looking for the houses that have a giant “For Sale” sign in front of them. Imagine if you made a move to purchase a house, but you found out that the people who are currently living there would like to stay there. The house isn’t really for sale then, is it?

You may have already caught the analogy.

Sometimes we are broadcasting the fact that we are available and interested in dating. But along comes someone with an offer, and we freeze up.

Because sometimes there’s still someone residing in our heart.

And until you are willing to let them out, it’ll be harder for someone else to move in.

And perhaps if you are one who has encountered this response before, that perhaps the person you pursue has put the sign up before they are ready.

I think one of the biggest indicators of how you are going to treat your spouse, your kids, or anyone really, is how you are treating people now. How do you treat the people closest to you? Do you withhold information from them? Have you gotten used to having them around so you don’t really spend a lot of dedicated time seeing how they’re going?

How do you treat your family now? It may be how you treat your future family.

Kind of a scary reality check, isn’t it?

 

And then there are complicates relationships.. aka the damage cases.

Damage cases are like super sexy shoes that are brutally uncomfortable. When you look at them, they’re amazing. They’re beautiful and sexy, and you have to have them. But when you wear them, you’re in agony. When you take them off, there’s a sense of euphoric relief.

è But this feeling doesn’t come from gaining something positive. It comes from removing something negative: pain. This experience is the same as dating unavailable guys.

They seem to be everything you want. They’re so enticing, and you can’t resist them. But when you have them, you just feel pain and discomfort.

I decided a comfortable pair of shoes that gave me the support I needed and a steady feeling of ease was much better than a sporadic, shocking jolt of relief.

After a series of letdowns, high hopes and thinking things would be different – followed by crushing disappointment and feeling like a fool for once again thinking the same story would have a different ending – I made a firm resolution to end the cycle for good.

The reason, I believe, is that getting lost in his drama was an escape from dealing with my own life and issues. I felt like I had a mission and a purpose. For whatever reason, that felt kind of nice (at least for a little while).Once I saw the situation for what it was, it lost all appeal to me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t get him to commit in the way I wanted, I felt sorry for him for having so many issues. These issues prevented him from committing to the awesome woman he had right in front of him.
Wanting a guy who doesn’t want you is a tragedy. Time is a precious thing to waste. So, get to work and undo the faulty wiring that leads you to the guys who can’t appreciate you.

Wise words from Sabrina Alexis